After eighteen days of exhilarating athletics, varying Putin facial expressions, and numerous , the 2014 Winter Olympics have finally come to an end.
And the winner is…. Russia? The host country体彩手机在线怎么下载 won a total 33 medals – including 13 gold. Was it worth $51 billion? For Putin, probably.
Now we could go over the impressive athletic achievements of the past weeks, but I’ve never been one for actual sports… so here’s a list of some memorable Olympic moments that have nothing to do with athletics:
13. The Olympics get off to a glitchy start at the Opening Ceremonies…
At the start of the Olympic opening ceremonies, five large snowflakes were supposed to transform into the five Olympic rings but – right before President Putin took the stage.
Luckily there was a giant pantless bear and his two buddies to get the sort of gay festivities rolling again.
12. Russian Olympic officials make sure Sochi is stray dog and gay free.
Despite Putin’s half-assed efforts to reassure gay athletes and fans that they will not be discriminated against, the ban on “gay propaganda” was in full effect. But flamboyant homosexuals weren’t the only unwanted visitors. Olympic organizers hired a pest control company “catch and dispose” of stray dogs before and during the Olympics Games.
11. The Jamaican Bobsled Team makes it to Sochi… but loses their luggage along the way.
Feel da riddum! Feel da rhyme! Get on up it’s bobsledding time! After sorting out a few funding issues, the two-man Jamaican bobsled team arrived in Sochi ready to make John Candy proud. Unfortunately, they flew Delta Airlines and lost some of their gear en-route to Russia, forcing them to miss their first training session.
10. Two of the Dufour-Lapointe sisters win medals… the other one, not so much.
Two Canadian sisters, , took the gold and silver in the skiing moguls and stepped up to the podium together. Their oldest sister, Maxime sat on the sidelines after placing 12th on the eve of the her 25th birthday – she’s clearly past her prime. The three sisters did a series of interviews following the double victory, leaving Maxime to smile awkwardy as she patiently listened to everyone gush over her younger siblings.
9. Bob Costa’s crusty eye infection ruins his Olympic anchor streak.
The veteran NBC sports reporter was forced to pull himself out of the anchor seat and into the optometrist’s chair after contracting pink eye in both eyes, leaving viewers stuck with Matt Lauer and ruining his streak of hosting 157 consecutive prime-time Olympics broadcasts.
8. Sochi’s tap water raises some suspicions…
A Chicago Tribune reporter tweeted this picture after the staff at her Sochi hotel warned her not to use the tap water on her face because it contains “something very dangerous”. “On the bright side, I now know what very dangerous face water looks like,” the reporter tweeted.
7. Johnny Weir goes full-on flamboyant fashionista.
While commentating on the Olympic ice-capades for NBC, the former figurer skater, who looks like a strange combination of Pee Wee Herman and Rob Schneider, decided to go full-on flamboyant with his fashionable get-ups.
6. American Bobsledder Johnny Quinn breaks down barriers.
Johnny Quinn learned the hard way that in Soviet Russia, bathroom stalls you. The Olympian found himself locked inside a bathroom in Russia’s Olympic Village in Sochi after taking a shower. Luckily, Quinn had two things on his side: the poor quality of Russian construction and his bobsledding skills. So the 6-foot, 220-pound former football player pulled a Kool-Aid man and smashed through the door.
5. Canada takes its notorious politeness to a new level.
Showing the true meaning of sportsmanship, Canadian cross-country体彩手机在线怎么下载 ski coach Justin Wadsworth came to the aid of a Russian skier who had damaged his skis in a crash.
4. Putin cuddles with gay athletes.
After winning gold at the Sochi Olympics, Dutch speedskater Ireen Wüst went to celebrate at a party held in her honor. On the guest list? One Vladimir Putin. The openly gay speedskater told Dutch broadcast NOS that while there she from Putin, sparking outrage among some LGBT organizations.
3. NBC reduces skier Bode Miller to tears.
NBC (along with every reality TV show producer) knows that Americans love a good sob story and networks executives love a cheap ploy for ratings. But when , she may have gone too far with the whole gut-wrenching Olympian backstory narrative, repeatedly asking the athlete about the death of his brother.
2. The Olympic athletes run into some awkward bathroom situations.
Cost cutting fail or Russia’s answer to accommodating gay athletes? BBC journalist Steve Rosenberg tweeted a picture from the men’s bathroom at the Olympic Biathlon Centre showing two toilets side by side in the same stall. Apparently the Russians were too busy beefing up their security and defending themselves against accusations of homophobia that they forgot how to properly construct a bathroom.
1. Canada comes out on top.
Not only did Canada win 25 medals and dominate in hockey, the northern nation scored two cases of beer from Barack Obama and a guarantee that the US will keep Justin Bieber. Double win!
Now Canada will have extra beer bottles to stock its beer fridge in the Sochi Olympic Village.
Sorry Bieber – Canadians only.
Can’t beat Canada at their own game! Canada’s women’s hockey team took the Olympic gold in Sochi Thursday, 3-2 in overtime.
The Canadian team started out a little shaky (ok, a lot shaky) and stayed pretty shaky until the very end. Team USA had a 2-0 lead with 3:26 left in regulation, but Canada ended up tying the game with 54.6 seconds left. Then, in the overtime sudden-death match, Canada’s Marie-Philip Poulin scored the golden goal on goalie Jessie Vetter to win Canadian women’s fourth straight gold medal in women’s ice hockey.
“To be back here with my jersey on and gold medal around my neck is the best thing ever,” said Poulin.
Looks like President Barack Obama owes Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper one case of beer. The two leaders agreed to wager two cases of beer: one for the women’s final game and another for today’s men’s semifinal showdown between Canada and the U.S.
Upon hearing the news after coming back from a trip to Mexico, Harper sent out a tweet to rub the Canadian victory in Obama’s face.
): Loser keeps Justin Bieber. After all, no one wins with dual-citizenship!
UPDATE: America keeps Bieber.
After winning gold at the Sochi Olympics, Dutch speedskater Ireen Wüst went to celebrate at a party held in her honor. On the guest list? One Vladimir Putin.
The openly gay speedskater told Dutch broadcast NOS that while there she from Putin.
“He congratulated me and asked if everything was OK in Russia and I congratulated him on (Russian speedskater) Olga Graf, of course, for her third place (in the 3,000 meters). He was happy to see me, but then he had to leave again. But I cuddled him.
So this was Putin’s plan all along… seduce the lesbian athletes with his rugged manliness. Problem solved. I mean, what women can resist a shirtless Putin? (aside from his ex-wife, of course)
Putin and Ireen Wüst’s cuddle session did not sit well with the gay activist group, Queer Nation. The organization has condemned the Olympic athlete for “having a cuddle” with the anti-gay propaganda president.
“The Olympic athletes have said that they will not make political statements during the Games yet that is exactly what Ireen Wüst did,” said Duncan Osborne, a member of Queer Nation. “By embracing Vladimir Putin, a man who has trampled on the human rights of LGBT Russians, political dissidents, artists, undocumented immigrants, and others in Russia, Wüst has endorsed his fascist agenda.”
But while Wüst may have ventured into the dark side, there is one Olympic athlete who may be too much for Putin to handle: 29-year-old Olympic skater-turned-commentator .
While commentating on the Olympic ice-capades for NBC, the former figurer skate, who looks like a strange combination of Pee Wee Herman and Rob Schneider, decided to go full-on flamboyant. While Weir is not officially protesting Russia’s anti-LGBT laws during the Sochi games, his fashionable get-up and refusal to be anyone but his flamboyant self is a big middle finger to Putin. Although I wonder what he would do if Putin went in for a cuddle?
Bob Costas, NBC’s prime-time Olympics host, is to the Olympics what Dick Clark is to New Years (until he died…), but what is up with his eye?
The veteran sports reporter has been forced to pull himself out of the anchor seat and into the optometrist’s chair because he has pink eye. At first, Costas tried to power through the eye infection, swapping his contacts for a pair of horn rims but by the weekend it appeared the infection had spread to his other eye. When he woke up Tuesday in Sochi, Russia, with his both eyes swollen and crusted shut, he decided to give up and call Matt Lauer.
“Both eyes were red and angry on Sunday and Monday,” . “It was increasingly uncomfortable with each passing night, but I could cope with it. But last night until today, it got to where I couldn’t look in the bathroom light without squinting and blinking and my eye watering.”
Matt Lauer, who is in Sochi as a co-host of “Today,” will fill in for Costas while he sits in a dark room overdosing on antibiotics and eye drops.
. Why didn’t the hotel staff tell him not to use the yellow liquid on his face??? Now we’re stuck with Matt Lauer. Thanks Putin.
American bobsledder Johnny Quinn learned the hard way that in Soviet Russia, bathroom stalls you.
The Olympian found himself locked inside a bathroom in Russia’s Olympic Village in Sochi after taking a shower. Luckily, Quinn had two things on his side: the poor quality of Russian construction and his bobsledding skills. So the 6-foot, 220-pound former football player pulled a “Kool-Aid man” and smashed through the door.
“I was taking a shower and the door got locked/jammed. With no phone to call for help, I used my bobsled push training to break out. #SochiJailBreak,” Quinn tweeted, along with a photo of the (cardboard) door in ruins.
Quinn has since posted another photo of the smashed door with a Photoshopped image of himself in the hole looking super tough while wearing bobsleddin’ gear. Heeeere’s Johnny!!!
Athletes and journalists in Sochi have been complaining that their accommodations are in rough shape, taking to Twitter to vent their grumbles. But are the shoddy accommodations a result of cutting corners and a lack of preparation or was this Putin’s plan to win all along? Maybe the Russians activated the door lock to keep Quinn from competing, paving the way for RUSSIAN VICTORY! Little did they know that their inferior cardboard doors are no match for 220 pounds of American muscle.
Friday’s Olympic opening ceremonies marked the official start to Putin’s Olympic Games. The decidedly gay display of fireworks and dancing wowed the crowd, highlighting Russia’s history, geography and athletic and artistic achievement. But it wouldn’t be a Russian tribute without a few glitches and a dancing bear.
At the start of the Olympic opening ceremonies, five large snowflakes were supposed to transform into the five Olympic rings – but only four of them made it. The five rings were supposed to join together and erupt in pyrotechnics to get the party started but a technical glitch left the fifth Olympic ring in the dark. Instead, they were eventually darkened and moved out of the arena, just as Russian President Vladimir Putin was introduced. You know someone’s going to get shot for that later…
But the show went on; Russian police sang Daft Punk, a pop band belted out Queen in Russian, a giant bear greeted everyone, the Germans paraded around in their matching rainbow outfits – you know, typical hetero stuff.
As for the actual Olympic Games, everything is going great (for the Netherlands…) The Dutch are leading the pack with 3 gold medals, followed closely by Canada and Norway. Russia is a few behind in 6th place, so Putin will need to dole out a few more angry glares to motivate Russia’s athletes.
Jamaica, however, is off to a rough start. In addition to a lack of medals, the Jamaican bobsled team on the way to Sochi. The two man team missed their first training session on the Sochi Olympic track after some of their gear was lost en-route to Russia.
“It’s really frustrating,” said Winston Watts, the bobsled driver, who has competed at three Games.
“The sled is here, but our blades that go on the sled aren’t and neither is the clothing that we wear when we slide,” he added.
Yeah well, next time think twice about flying Delta. Seriously.
Vladimir Putin’s snow leopard “friend” attacked two journalists moments before cuddling with the Russian President.
While on a tour of a Persian leopard sanctuary ahead of the Winter Games in Sochi, a leopard cub became agitated and attacked two journalists, scratching one on the hand and biting another on the knee. While lesser men stood back in fear, Putin, ever the rugged outdoorsman, stepped in to calm the leopard down with a series of cuddles.
In response to criticisms from environmentalists accusing the Russian authorities of damaging Sochi’s natural environment during the construction of the Games, Putin is eager to show that the construction efforts have actually improved the environmental situation in Sochi – for the snow leopards at least.
Yes, snow leopards are apparently Putin’s latest pet project. The Russian President is working to re-introduce the great Persian leopard to southern Russia where they became extinct in 1970.
“We’ve decided to restore the population of the snow leopard because of the Olympic Games,” Putin said. “Let’s say that because of the Olympic Games, we have restored parts of the destroyed nature.”
So, restore the snow leopards but kill all the stray dogs?
In some non-gay rights related Sochi news, Russia is planning a mass killing of stray dogs in preparation for the Winter Olympic Games.
Thousands of stray dogs have been living amid the mud and rubble of Sochi’s Olympic construction sites, roaming the streets for some food and a few pats. But the Olympic organizers are concerned these strays could become an eye sore to visiting tourists and athletes so they’ve turned to a new company to dispose of the problem.
A pest control company revealed it had a contract to exterminate or “catch and dispose” of stray dogs throughout the Olympics. After a stray dog interrupted last week’s dress rehearsal for the Olympic opening ceremony, Olympic authorities decided enough was enough and told the local pest control company to up their dog killing game.
Alexei Sorokin, director general of pest control firm Basya 体彩手机在线怎么下载, said his company is involved in what he described as the “catching and disposing” of dogs – an apparently common practice in Russia. Sorokin refused to reveal how the dogs were being killed and what was being done with their carcasses, but he did stress that dogs pose a major safety hazard.
Thousands of stray dogs are roaming the streets of Sochi, Sorokin said, and some of them are “biting children.”
“A dog ran into the Fisht Stadium, we took it away,” he said. “God forbid something like this happens at the actual opening ceremony. This will be a disgrace for the whole country体彩手机在线怎么下载.”
I think it’s a little too late to be worrying about Russia disgracing itself at the Olympics… but perhaps a shelter would be a slightly more humane way of dealing with the issue?
Last year, when Sochi initially announced a contract “to catch and dispose” of stray dogs, animal activists lost their sh*t. In fact, so much sh*t was lost that the authorities decided to forgo poisoning the animals and instead build animal shelters for the stray dogs. After all, I’m sure they could spare some of the $51 billion Olympic budget for a few shelters. But activists say there is no evidence that a shelter has been built – but there is plenty of evidence that a pest control firm was awarded a contract to dispose of the dogs.
An Olympic official has to the new reports of stray dogs being euthanized in preparation for the Games, saying the animals are instead being “relocated.” Relocated to a mass grave far away from the Olympic tourists…
Despite there being several gay bars in Sochi, Mayor Anatoly Pakhomov insists that Sochi is 100% homosexual-free.
In an interview with the BBC’s program Panorama, Pakhomov reiterated Putin’s Olympic stance, saying gays were welcome to visit Sochi during the 2014 Winter Olympics as long as they “respect Russian law” and “don’t impose their habits on others.” Especially the children!
But will gay people have to hide their sexuality in Sochi, Mr. Pakhomov?
“No, we just say that it is your business, it’s your life. But it’s not accepted here in the Caucasus where we live. We do not have them in our city,” Pakhomov said.
None??? But what about the gay bars? Surely there must be some kind of LGBT community to keep them profitable?
“I am not sure, but I don’t bloody know them,” the mayor said when challenged.
Ok, so there might be some, but the mayor is far too straight to know who they are. Got it.
Interestingly enough, BBC Panorama reporter John Sweeney visited a gay bar in Sochi the night before he interviewed Pakhomov. While most people were too terrified of being shipped off to Siberia to be filmed, Sweeney did meet a drag queen named Madame Zhu-Zha.
“There are very many clubs for gay people in Moscow – in Sochi we have two gay clubs as well. In some places there’s serious prejudice against gay people. In other places it’s not as bad,” Madame Zhu-Zha said.
No word yet on whether Mayor Pakhomov is a regular customer of the Sochi drag scene, but if Republicans in America have taught us anything, it’s that the more often you spout off homophobic nonsense, the more likely you are to have a gay scandal blow up in your face.
Apparently the Russians were too busy beefing up their security and defending themselves against accusations of homophobia that they forgot how to properly construct a bathroom.
After BBC journalist Steve Rosenberg tweeted a picture from the men’s bathroom at the Olympic Biathlon Centre showing two toilets side by side in the same stall, some began to question if the budget for the Olympic Games, estimated to be $50bn, had been spent wisely.
Opposition leader Alexei Navalny retweeted the picture adding the comment: “This is a men’s toilet in a Sochi Olympics media centre for 1.5bn roubles [$45m].”
Spending criticisms aside, this is the most awkward (and possibly gayest?) bathroom situation that I’ve ever seen. How do you even reach for paper with your bowl buddy sitting next to you?
Wait… I take that back. THIS is the most awkward bathroom situation I’ve ever seen:
(Communal toilets at Kazan University, Russia – aka my worst nightmare)
But in Russia’s defense, maybe these toilets are all part of the Olympic spirit, designed to bring the athletic community together. While they’re not competing in official Olympic events, the athletes can maintain their competitive nature by participating in tandem pissing and synchronized pooping events.